Talking about money can be quite scary. Whether it’s with your colleagues, friends, or even family members, money is one of those topics of conversation that people generally avoid for fear of being too thorny or possibly too invasive for polite conversation. It can be especially tricky in romantic relationships. You may have shared stories of past loves, travel adventures, or significant life experiences with your partner but your finances may be a subject you never broach.

I want to challenge you and your partner to have an open conversation about your finances, and reflect on how you want to navigate finances within your relationship. Contrary to norms in American culture, I believe that discussing your finances with each other and sharing your philosophies on money, debt, and savings can actually bring you and your partner closer together. In fact, it may be essential for the long term health of your relationship.

A couple that openly communicates their financial realities and their future financial goals is a couple that respects each other, understands each other’s values, and works together to find alignment in their financial goals. Many couples opt for a fully intermingled financial relationship with their partner, where they have a joint account and spend or save for two. But there are also couples who really value their financial independence and go for a 50/50 split. There are many factors to consider, but whatever you decide, it’s a series of conversations that you and your partner should have and continue to have as you grow together and see what works for both of you.

Get on the Same Page
As I’ve discussed in previous blogs, everyone grows up with different habits, mindsets, and learned behaviors around money. Reflecting on your relationship to money is the first step to having a healthy financial relationship with your partner. You and your partner should have honest conversations about your finances, and your philosophies around money. Some questions you may consider: Do either of you have debt? What are your spending habits? Are you a risk taker, or more conservative with your money? How much do you want to save? What are your financial goals? 

Open and honest communication can help you understand where each of you are coming from, and learn about family or personal experiences that inform your attitudes and mindsets around money. Finding the sweet spot in making financial plans together may involve deeply vulnerable conversations that are initially difficult, but they’re worth it for the well being of your relationship. See it as an investment in the health and endurance of your commitment to each other! If your attitudes around money are vastly different, it can be an opportunity to reach a compromise that avoids future arguments or petty disagreements. 

Who Pays for What?
Reflecting on overarching philosophies around money is an important first step to seeing where you and your partner agree or disagree about financial planning. Those more abstract questions also help you answer some of the practicalities of being in a relationship together, whether you’re dating but living separately, living together, or married.

If you live together, your expenses will naturally be more enmeshed than if you lived separately. For example, how will you split the rent or mortgage payments? Who pays for utilities? What about groceries? These are questions that hopefully you’ve considered before moving in together, but you will continue to negotiate as the relationship progresses. 

If one person in the relationship earns significantly more, they may feel more comfortable paying for a larger share of the expenses. But of course, it’s not always that simple. I have a friend whose partner works as an attorney, earning almost double her salary at a non-profit. They split rent evenly, but he takes care of all other household expenses and also pays for their vacations and their meals out. They’ve been doing this ad hoc for over two years, but since the moratorium on student debt repayment is ending, he’s felt more pressured to prioritize paying back his law school loans. He was starting to feel resentful as their expenses for the house continued to be his sole responsibility; because even though he makes more from his job he has thousands in student debt whereas she does not. They reached a compromise for her to contribute more to groceries and household supplies, but it was important for her to hear his perspective on where his resentment was coming from.

My friend told me they’re still continuing to have these conversations, and continuing to decide about what seems fair to both of them. And that’s really what I want to emphasize: sharing or splitting expenses is not a one-time conversation nor can you settle on a catch-all solution. These will always be evolving conversations, as your finances change and as your priorities change. 

Is it “our” money?
I personally share all my finances with my partner, and I don’t see my money as being separate from our money. We certainly did not start out that way, but over the years we’ve opened joint accounts together and worked towards the same financial goals. For me, this kind of arrangement has brought closer intimacy with my partner. We make big financial decisions together, and I feel deeply secure in our relationship because of how much we share with each other and how we are aligned toward the same financial vision.

But I understand that this kind of total entanglement doesn’t work for everyone. It’s high risk, for one, because breaking up would also mean negotiating financial separation. How would you prepare for the financial consequences of a breakup or divorce? For as much as you love each other in the moment and have total trust in each other, having shared financial accounts also entails discussing the terms of financial separation.

For other couples, the high risk nature of joint accounts means that maintaining a 50/50 split is preferable, reasonable, and just as intimate. Ultimately, there is no right answer and this is no one answer. You and your partner need to have conversations throughout your relationship about what is working for you, what is not, and what your financial goals are. Have regular check-ins about the financial health of your relationship, and support each other to reach your financial goals.